Dear Mom, Dad, Ex-Husband, My Darling Child, and anyone else who wants to know what I really want for Christmas (Mamas, feel free to customize here _____________),
So you want to know what I want for Christmas, huh?
Gosh, that's so sweet. I'm seriously tickled you've asked.
Do you REALLY want to know what I want for Christmas?
I want, in no particular order:
All dirty socks and underwear in the fucking laundry basket. Please.
All pee in the toilet. All of it. Not on the seat, not on the floor (I mean, really??); in. the. toilet. Is this really something I need to waste space on my holiday wish list for? Apparently so, because I now want this more than I want a fucking pedicure.
Speaking of a pedicure, I want one. I want a coupon book for solo mani-pedi time, with the extra massage please (even if it feels like a pair of tongs squeezing my shoulders), every two weeks. For a full year. So, that's 104 coupons, please. (Thanks!)
At homework time, for the months of January and February, I want to pour myself a glass of chardonnay and meander into another room to binge watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend in peace, while having zero responsibility for the screaming in the other room.
I want someone else to do the bulk of the organizing of the Christmas schedule, presents, food, and parties. I want to be on vacation too, please.
Just put the fucking dishes in the dishwasher, ok?
I want to be alone for one hour a day with nothing nagging at me. It doesn't mean I don't love you all; I just can't breathe sometimes.
Useful gift cards, please. Target, Trader Joe's, Walmart, Amazon, BevMo... The Spa...
Wine-of-the-month club. Any wine-of-the-month-club. Or one of those gorgeous, giant Costco-sized bottles of Patron Silver. Yeah. That.
And if you still want to get me some "stuff," here's a list of stuff I approve:
(click on each image to purchase)
This amazing book you know I wish I'd written myself.
This incredible onesie I wish had been around when my son was born.
He woulda owned that shit.
This fucking amazing automatic baby feeder.
You know you want to feed your kid like a hamster and sleep a few more hours.
This Mombie t-shirt. Get it? Mombie? Like you're half mom, half zombie?
(I know, I had to spell it out for you because you're such a Mombie. Now you get it.)
This totally adorable and also really pretty Mama Bear necklace.
These socks that need no explanation.
This wine glass that sums me up perfectly, according to my child at least once a week.
This glitter-dipped coffee tumbler that describes my state of mind most days.
These suntan lotion bottles that are filled with booze.
Did you hear me? THE SUNTAN LOTION BOTTLES ARE FILLED WITH BOOZE!!!!
This glamorous Anne Taintor change purse I may or may not already own.
I just don't think you can have too many of them.
These fucking awesome pencils
I stole these from my pal, amazing Life Coach for Singles Kira Sabin's holiday gift guide, because there are never too many opportunities to teach our children good grammar.
The holidays can be filled with comfort and joy...IF you learn to ask for what you want, and need.
Having trouble taking care of yourself, and finding yourself losing your ever-loving shit more often than you'd like to admit this holiday season? Click here to download my FREE guide: "4 Steps to Stop Losing Your Shit on Your Kids"
Happy Holidays, Mamas!