Should I Stay or Should I Go? with Quentin Hafner

Should I Stay or Should I Go? with Quentin Hafner

My guest this week is Quentin Hafner. Quentin is a Marriage and Family Therapist who works with couples and men in his private practice in Orange County, CA.

In this episode Quentin and I dissect the biggest question of all: 

Should I Stay or Should I Go

In the course of this conversation we cover: 

  • Quentin's 6 non-negotiables in a relationship and what they should really mean for you.

  • Quentin's view of the 3 most common reasons people leave marriages—and if they're actually good enough reasons to leave.

  • My view of the 3 most common reasons people leave marriages and—if they're actually good enough reason to leave.

  • Why the fact that 68% of second marriages fail and 73% of third marriages fail really matters to the choice ahead of you right now.

  • Why 69% of marriages are ended by women, and what men can do to not be a casualty of that.

And MUCH more!!

Read More

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby! with licensed sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby! with licensed sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman

This week on the podcast, I interview Jessa Zimmerman, a licensed sex therapist and couples’ counselor. 

We had a great chat about whether or not an unfulfilling sex life is reason enough to end a marriage, and how to jumpstart it without it being too fucking awkward.

We also talk about mis-matched libidos, the sexual avoidance cycle, porn and so much more! Needless to say, it’s a juicy one!

Read More

The Blended Extended Upended Family with Deb Cooperman

The Blended Extended Upended Family with Deb Cooperman

I brought my friend Deb Cooperman on to talk about what she calls her blended, extended upended family.

When Deb met her ex husband, he had a one-year-old son, and in this episode she talks about the experience of co-parenting as a step-mom, and how her relationship with her ex, her step-son and his mom evolved over the course of their marriage, through their divorce, and beyond...

Deb's story is one of what's possible when three or more people really do some hard work on themselves in order to get through the harder feelings and into acceptance, and even love. 

Read More

Guest Episode: Lyena Strelkoff

Guest Episode: Lyena Strelkoff

In this episode, I interview Lyena Strelkoff. Lyena is a transformation coach, storyteller, and speaker passionately dedicated to advancing the way humans respond to change, challenge, and adversity.

A lifelong dancer paralyzed in a hiking accident, Lyena’s entire life was elevated, not in spite of paralysis but because of it.

Lyena is the creator of The Shero’s Way™, a modern, feminized approach to adversity that turns challenges into catalysts that catapult us upward.

Lyena isn’t divorced, although she does tell us the story of how her parents’ divorce affected her. But I want you to listen to her story from the perspective of transformation. Listen for how Lyena transforms what could have been — should have been — the worst experience almost anyone can imagine into something full of grace and opportunity. And listen till the end where we discuss how this does NOT mean not acknowledging pain and suffering, but rather embracing all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Read More

How to tell your spouse you want a divorce

How to tell your spouse you want a divorce

This episode is about holding strong boundaries when telling your spouse that you want a divorce.

I lay out how I work with clients to prepare for this really difficult conversation, how not to allow your spouse to hijack and control the narrative, and how to not take responsibility for things you know aren’t yours, even when your ex insists they are.

In the intro, I talk about Mother's Day. How they've been in the past, and how it was this year. 

Hint: I spent it with my ex and his wife... and it was truly LOVELY.

Read More

You are allowed to leave

You are allowed to leave

This episode is all about permission. It’s about how women seem to evolve in middle-age and how we seem to be outgrowing our marriages at alarming rates, and how to know if that’s ok or not.

In the last few weeks as I’ve been speaking with clients there’s a recurring theme that keeps coming up. I keep hearing women say that their husband is a really nice guy, he’s a great dad, a great provider, they list their husband’s great qualities and then berate themselves for their own misery and usually end up in a wail of “why can’t i just be happy?”

And often it's because they've changed over the course of time.

Read More

How to talk to your kids about an absent father

How to talk to your kids about an absent father

....and the difference between single and divorced moms, and why I'll NEVER call myself a single mom ever again.

Someone submitted this anonymous question to my website:

My son often asks for his daddy. I don't know what to say to him. It breaks my heart because I've done everything I can to bridge the gap and encourage his father to be a part of his life. But he's totally absent. Only visits maybe 20hrs a month sometimes less. Can you give me any advice on what to say to my son about where his father is? Why he isn't here etc?

These kinds of questions break my heart. According to Psychology today, "...24 million children live in biological father-absent homes— in the United States alone. And 1 in 3 children grow up without a father." What this means first and foremost is that you are not alone. 

Read More

Dating After Divorce: Shifting of Primary

Dating After Divorce: Shifting of Primary

In this episode I look at dating after divorce, and how hard it can sometimes be to be the new person coming in when the exes are "besties." 

The new person can often wonder where they fit in, and if the ex is always their go-to, their first call, they can feel left out and as if they don't have a place in their new relationship.

I look at this from the angles of all three parties, and give a prescriptive for how best to make this often difficult shift work.

Read More

Putting your kids at the center - not in the middle - of your divorce

Putting your kids at the center - not in the middle - of your divorce

When I first got divorced I sought out a mediator who asked us an important question that set the tone for our entire divorce and mediation proceedings: 

Do you want to put your son at the center, or in the middle, of your divorce?

This episode tells the story of how I almost got caught up in ugly litigation, and how I gave up my house in service of my son.

Read More

Surviving Abuse with Mickie Zada

Surviving Abuse with Mickie Zada

Mickie Zada is a change-agent, a content creator and an advocate for women who have escaped domestic abuse.  Her passion is to inspire and empower survivors in their transition to safe, healthy lives.  

Mickie speaks openly and honestly about living in domestic abuse for 34 years (she says she stayed waaay tooo long at the dance!), the reality of her mind-set during that time (most of the time she was married, she didn't recognize that she was an abused spouse) and her belief that we create our reality.  She says that there are as many excuses for remaining in abuse as there are women who stay.  She chose to believe it was her Calling to help her ex-husband stay between the lines.  Now she recognizes that she was not responsible for his life, the only person she could change was herself.  She always had the option to leave; she chose to stay.

Read More

Are You Staying in Your Marriage For Your Kids?

Are You Staying in Your Marriage For Your Kids?

One of the most common reasons people stay together is for their children. Depending on your unique situation, this might be the best reason to stay together, or the worst.

We're told over and over again that we have to stay for our kids; that children from "broken homes" (I hate that term) do less well in school, are damaged, and grow up to have poor coping and relationship skills. So we try. And we try harder. We bend ourselves into pretzels trying to make this square peg fit in this round hole come hell or high water, because if we don't, our children will suffer, and we will have failed.

I call bullshit.

Read More

THE TRUTH OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A STAY-AT-HOME MOM—IF YOU GET DIVORCED

THE TRUTH OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A STAY-AT-HOME MOM—IF YOU GET DIVORCED

When I became pregnant, I had just lost my job managing a successful fitness studio that was being financially mismanaged. I was also an actor, and while I still had to have a day-job (as most of us do), I’d been doing pretty well in theatre and television most of my life.

But pregnant, I wasn’t exactly taking Hollywood by storm.

Read More

Should you tell if you cheated?

Should you tell if you cheated?

I received an email not too long ago from a reader who asked:

I cheated on my husband. It wasn't a one-time thing, but it's over now. I'm wracked with guilt, but I also know that if I tell my husband, it will destroy him. But I also feel like I should be honest and like I'm keeping a terrible secret, even though I actually feel closer to him now than ever. What should I do?

This is certainly a complicated issue many of us have faced. There's a spark of attraction with someone new. Things haven't been quite "right" in your marriage for a long time, and you get swept away in a moment. Or two, or three... Now you're left with the question: should you tell your husband?

Here's my take on this, shared by the always awesome Dan Savage, and I'll warn you, it's a bit controversial, and not a perspective shared by everyone: 

Read More